1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:-
Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-
Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..
2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-
No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:-
Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-
Why? Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:-
Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:-
No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...
Stupid Question:-
Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-
Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:-
Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:-
No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:-
No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:-
Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-
No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:-
Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-
No it wont. It will just bleed.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:-
Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:-
Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
FWD mail: God, Auto driver and the Priest !
A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the Heaven's Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.
God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?
The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai!
God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven...
Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for the last 40 years.
God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven...
'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'
'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.
'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people PRAYED’
Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.
God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not?
The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai!
God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven...
Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the so & so Church for the last 40 years.
God consults his ledger & says to the Priest: Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven...
'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'
'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.
'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his Auto, people PRAYED’
FWD mail: Why Planning is important?
One Night 4 college students were playing till late night and could not =
Study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty =
with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they =
had
gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car =
burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in =
no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him
=
And said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this =
Was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in =
separate
Classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the =
Last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.
See Below for the question Paper
*Q.1. Your Name.......................... (2 MARKS)**
*
*Q.2. which tyre burst? (98 MARKS)**
*a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right.....!!!
True story from IIT Bombay ...Batch 1992
.....Your Attitude Determines Your Altitude......
Study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty =
with grease and dirt. They then went up to the Dean and said that they =
had
gone out to a wedding last night and on their return the tyre of their car =
burst and they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in =
no condition to appear for the test.
So the Dean said they could have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked him
=
And said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day they appeared before the Dean. The Dean said that as this =
Was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in =
separate
Classrooms for the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the =
Last 3 days.
The Test consisted of 2 questions with a total of 100 Marks.
See Below for the question Paper
*Q.1. Your Name.......................... (2 MARKS)**
*
*Q.2. which tyre burst? (98 MARKS)**
*a) Front Left
b) Front Right
c) Back Left
d) Back Right.....!!!
True story from IIT Bombay ...Batch 1992
.....Your Attitude Determines Your Altitude......
FWD mail: Why did the chicken cross the road?
KINDERGARTEN
BOY
To get to the
other side.
PLATO
For the greater
good.
ARISTOTLE
It is the
nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL
MARX
It was a
historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY
LEARY
Because that's the
only trip the establishment would let it
take.
CAPTAIN JAMES T.
KIRK
To boldly go where
no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES
Because of an
excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
MARTIN LUTHER KING,
JR.
I envision a world
where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into
question.
MOSES
And God came down
from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road." And the
chicken crossed the road, and there was much
rejoicing..
RICHARD M.
NIXON
The chicken did
not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT
cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI
The point is that
the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The
end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive
there was.
BILL
GATES
The newly released
Chicken 2003, will not only cross roads, but will
lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your account.
DARWIN
Chickens, over
great periods of time, have been naturally
selected in such a way that they are now
genetically disposed to cross
roads.
EINSTEIN
Whether the
chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference
and
relativity.
GEORGE
BUSH
We are committed
to establishing a democracy where chickens freely
cross roads without oppression from terrorist
organizations.
Azharuddin
I am totally
innocent, you know, I'm unnecessarily being
dragged into this, you know, because I'm from the
minority..... . I neither know the chicken nor the
road, you know....
George
Fernandes
I am deeply hurt that
this question is being asked after my 40 clean
years of public life. I don't own a house, or a
car, leave alone a chicken !!!
Mulayam
I demand a 50%
reservation of the road for the chicken class, so
that they can cross the road freely without their
motives being
questioned
ARJUN
SINGH
Our policy will
ensure the development of socially underprivileged
chickens so that they can also cross roads.
Abdul
Kalam
Yes, why did the chickens cross the road?
.. please tell me why? .. they crossed to go to
the other side of the road... now repeat after me
...
Advani
I see a Pakistani hand
in this ...
Vatal
Nagaraj
No Tamil or outside
chickens will be allowed to cross our roads, our
roads are meant only for Kannadiga
chickens!.
Bal
Thackarey
Chickens crossing the
roads is against our culture, my followers will
stone all such chickens which cross the
road.
Jayalalithaa
From reliable sources I've got the
information that the chicken belongs to
Karunanidhi. He is making his chicken cross the
road to create law & order problems. The
chicken has now been imprisoned under
POTA..
Amitabh
Bachhan
The chicken has crossed
the road?.. are you sure.. very sure ... really
sure...
Venkaiah
Naidu
"We are
sure of the fact that the chicken did not cross
the road. It is a conspiracy by the congress. The
poor chicken has been made a scapegoat in this
whole issue"
Prakash
Karat
We are adopting a wait
and watch policy. We have convened a meeting of
the third front today. We will decide the future
course of action after the chicken comes
back..
Maneka
Gandhi
Chicken crossed the road
alone...!! If a vehicle had passed over it, we
would have lost one of our dearest creatures. Ban
all vehicles from using the road. Protect our
chickens...
BOY
To get to the
other side.
PLATO
For the greater
good.
ARISTOTLE
It is the
nature of chickens to cross roads.
KARL
MARX
It was a
historical inevitability.
TIMOTHY
LEARY
Because that's the
only trip the establishment would let it
take.
CAPTAIN JAMES T.
KIRK
To boldly go where
no chicken has gone before.
HIPPOCRATES
Because of an
excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
MARTIN LUTHER KING,
JR.
I envision a world
where all chickens will be free to cross roads
without having their motives called into
question.
MOSES
And God came down
from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road." And the
chicken crossed the road, and there was much
rejoicing..
RICHARD M.
NIXON
The chicken did
not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT
cross the road.
MACHIAVELLI
The point is that
the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The
end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive
there was.
BILL
GATES
The newly released
Chicken 2003, will not only cross roads, but will
lay eggs, file your important documents, and
balance your account.
DARWIN
Chickens, over
great periods of time, have been naturally
selected in such a way that they are now
genetically disposed to cross
roads.
EINSTEIN
Whether the
chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath
the chicken depends upon your frame of reference
and
relativity.
GEORGE
BUSH
We are committed
to establishing a democracy where chickens freely
cross roads without oppression from terrorist
organizations.
Azharuddin
I am totally
innocent, you know, I'm unnecessarily being
dragged into this, you know, because I'm from the
minority..... . I neither know the chicken nor the
road, you know....
George
Fernandes
I am deeply hurt that
this question is being asked after my 40 clean
years of public life. I don't own a house, or a
car, leave alone a chicken !!!
Mulayam
I demand a 50%
reservation of the road for the chicken class, so
that they can cross the road freely without their
motives being
questioned
ARJUN
SINGH
Our policy will
ensure the development of socially underprivileged
chickens so that they can also cross roads.
Abdul
Kalam
Yes, why did the chickens cross the road?
.. please tell me why? .. they crossed to go to
the other side of the road... now repeat after me
...
Advani
I see a Pakistani hand
in this ...
Vatal
Nagaraj
No Tamil or outside
chickens will be allowed to cross our roads, our
roads are meant only for Kannadiga
chickens!.
Bal
Thackarey
Chickens crossing the
roads is against our culture, my followers will
stone all such chickens which cross the
road.
Jayalalithaa
From reliable sources I've got the
information that the chicken belongs to
Karunanidhi. He is making his chicken cross the
road to create law & order problems. The
chicken has now been imprisoned under
POTA..
Amitabh
Bachhan
The chicken has crossed
the road?.. are you sure.. very sure ... really
sure...
Venkaiah
Naidu
"We are
sure of the fact that the chicken did not cross
the road. It is a conspiracy by the congress. The
poor chicken has been made a scapegoat in this
whole issue"
Prakash
Karat
We are adopting a wait
and watch policy. We have convened a meeting of
the third front today. We will decide the future
course of action after the chicken comes
back..
Maneka
Gandhi
Chicken crossed the road
alone...!! If a vehicle had passed over it, we
would have lost one of our dearest creatures. Ban
all vehicles from using the road. Protect our
chickens...
Some PJ's for you: A fwd mail
Q1. RAM SITA HAI ... TO RAM KAUN HAI ??
Ans - . TAILOR ( darzi )
Q2. SITA RAM HAI TO SITA KAUN HAI
Ans - . Sita MEMORY hai (RAM: Random Access Memory)
Q3. Prasad ask's Kumble to bring a pepsi... Kumble brings a bottle of pepsi
but goes directly to Tendulkar.? why ?? why ?? :-)
Ans:- Tendulkar is an opener
Q4. The Madrasi said, I want to see the movie 'heart is umbrella'. Which
movie did he really want to see?
Ans:- Dil Chhata Hai!
Q5. Woh kya hai jo Dil main hain, Mann main hai par Dhadkan main nahi?
Ans:- aarey Aamir Khan !!!!!!!
Q6. What will! u call a person who is leaving India ??
Socho....... ........
Ans:- Hindustan Lever (Leaver).
Q7. Kalidas ka ek bhai joote banata tha us ka naam kya tha?
Ans:- adidas
Q8. Luv and Kush are going to a village & in between comes a well. Luv falls
into the well. Why ?
Ans:- Because Luv is blind!!!!!
Now Kush also jumps inside. Why? OK lot's of head scratching done.
Ans:- Luv ke liye saala KUSH bhi karega!!!!
Want one more....
Q9. Jackie Chan ki saas ka naam kya hai?.. nahi pata..??
Ans:- D'Cold chain ki saans - D'cold
Q10. chalo ab batao.... Jackie Chan ki bahu ka naam kya hai ? this is quite
simple..
Ans:- D'Cold again kyunki saans bhi kabhi bahu thi
SOME REALLY FRESH ONES...
Q11. Jugal Hansraj and Mayuri Kango bus stop par khade the. Bus aayi -
Mayuri gayi, magar Jugal nahin gaya - kyon?
Ans:- Because Mayuri 'can - go'.
Ek aur..
Q12. Sharukh Khan aur Kajol bus stop pe khade hain. Kajol chali gayi, par
Sharukh bus pe nahin chada - kyon?? think harder...
Ans:-Kyonke woh Kajol ko chodane aaya tha. Ha, ha, ha...
Ek aur muaka de hi dete hain tumhe
Q13. kamal ,vimal do bhai they,dono bus stop pe khade the.. bus aai vimal
chad jata hai per kamal nahin jata hai why???
Ans :- Kyonkieeeeee bus per likha tha ONLY VIMAL !!!!!
aur chhaiye...theek hai
Q15. Kadar Khan aur Shakti Kapoor dono bus stop pe khade the... bus aai aur
Kadar Khan chad jata hai per Shakti Kapoor nahin jata Qyo???
Ans :- Qyonkieeeeeee woh Shakti Kapoor dusri bus ke liye wait kar raha tha
aakhri sawaal ....
Q16. Amitabh aur Pran dono bus estop pe khade the...bus aai aur Pran chad
jata hai per Amitabh nahin jata Qyo???
Ans :- pran jaye per bacchan na jaye
Chalo last one ha !
Q17.Kapil Dev goes to Echo point and shouts loudly "Pamolive" But there dont
come any echo sound why ?
Ans:- Because Palmolive ka jawab nahi !!
Ans - . TAILOR ( darzi )
Q2. SITA RAM HAI TO SITA KAUN HAI
Ans - . Sita MEMORY hai (RAM: Random Access Memory)
Q3. Prasad ask's Kumble to bring a pepsi... Kumble brings a bottle of pepsi
but goes directly to Tendulkar.? why ?? why ?? :-)
Ans:- Tendulkar is an opener
Q4. The Madrasi said, I want to see the movie 'heart is umbrella'. Which
movie did he really want to see?
Ans:- Dil Chhata Hai!
Q5. Woh kya hai jo Dil main hain, Mann main hai par Dhadkan main nahi?
Ans:- aarey Aamir Khan !!!!!!!
Q6. What will! u call a person who is leaving India ??
Socho....... ........
Ans:- Hindustan Lever (Leaver).
Q7. Kalidas ka ek bhai joote banata tha us ka naam kya tha?
Ans:- adidas
Q8. Luv and Kush are going to a village & in between comes a well. Luv falls
into the well. Why ?
Ans:- Because Luv is blind!!!!!
Now Kush also jumps inside. Why? OK lot's of head scratching done.
Ans:- Luv ke liye saala KUSH bhi karega!!!!
Want one more....
Q9. Jackie Chan ki saas ka naam kya hai?.. nahi pata..??
Ans:- D'Cold chain ki saans - D'cold
Q10. chalo ab batao.... Jackie Chan ki bahu ka naam kya hai ? this is quite
simple..
Ans:- D'Cold again kyunki saans bhi kabhi bahu thi
SOME REALLY FRESH ONES...
Q11. Jugal Hansraj and Mayuri Kango bus stop par khade the. Bus aayi -
Mayuri gayi, magar Jugal nahin gaya - kyon?
Ans:- Because Mayuri 'can - go'.
Ek aur..
Q12. Sharukh Khan aur Kajol bus stop pe khade hain. Kajol chali gayi, par
Sharukh bus pe nahin chada - kyon?? think harder...
Ans:-Kyonke woh Kajol ko chodane aaya tha. Ha, ha, ha...
Ek aur muaka de hi dete hain tumhe
Q13. kamal ,vimal do bhai they,dono bus stop pe khade the.. bus aai vimal
chad jata hai per kamal nahin jata hai why???
Ans :- Kyonkieeeeee bus per likha tha ONLY VIMAL !!!!!
aur chhaiye...theek hai
Q15. Kadar Khan aur Shakti Kapoor dono bus stop pe khade the... bus aai aur
Kadar Khan chad jata hai per Shakti Kapoor nahin jata Qyo???
Ans :- Qyonkieeeeeee woh Shakti Kapoor dusri bus ke liye wait kar raha tha
aakhri sawaal ....
Q16. Amitabh aur Pran dono bus estop pe khade the...bus aai aur Pran chad
jata hai per Amitabh nahin jata Qyo???
Ans :- pran jaye per bacchan na jaye
Chalo last one ha !
Q17.Kapil Dev goes to Echo point and shouts loudly "Pamolive" But there dont
come any echo sound why ?
Ans:- Because Palmolive ka jawab nahi !!
A to zee of Bengali vocabulary: A fwd mail
[Can never get too much of this. ENJHOY!] ;)
A is for Awpheesh (as in Office). This is where the average Kolkattan
goes and spends a day hard(ly) at work. And if he works for the Waste
Bengal Gawrment, he will arrive at 10, wipe his forehead till 11, have
a tea break at 12, throw around a few files at 12.30, break for lunch
at 1, smoke an unfiltered cigarette at 2, break for tea at 3, sleep
sitting down at 4 and go home at 4:30. It's a hard life!
B is for Bhision. For some reason many Bengalis don't have good
bhision. In fact in Kolkata most people are wearing spectacles all the
time.
C is for Chappell. Currently, this is the Bengali word for the Devil,
for the worst form of evil. In the night mothers put their kids to
sleep saying, Na ghumaley Chappell eshey dhorey niye jabe.
D is for Debashish or any other name starting with Deb. By an ancient
law every fourth Bengali Child has to be named Debashish. So you have
a Debashish everywhere and trying to get creative they are also called
Deb, Debu, Deba with variations like Debanik, Deboprotim, Debojyoti,
etc. thrown in at times.
E is for Eeesh. This is a very common Bengali exclamation made famous
by Aishwarya Rai in Devdas. It is estimated that on an average a
Bengali, especially Bengali women, use eeesh 10,089 times every year.
Ei Morechhey is a close second to Eeesh.
F is for Feeesh. These are creatures that swim in rivers and seas and
are a favourite food of the Bengalis. Despite the fact that a fish
market has such strong smells, with one sniff a Bengali knows if a
fish is all right. If not, he will say 'eeesh, what feeesh is theesh!'
G is for Good name. Every Bengali boy will have a good name like
Debashish or Deboprotim and a pet name like Motka, Bhombol, Thobla
Laltu, Paltu, etc. While every Bengali girl will have pet names like
Tia, Tuktuki, Mishti, Khuku , etc.
H is for Harmonium. This the Bengali equivalent of a rock guitar. Take
four Bengalis and a Harmonium and you have the successors to The
Bheatles!
I is for lleesh. This is a feeesh with 10,000 bones which would kill
any ordinary person, but which the Bengalis eat with releeesh!
J is for Jhola. No self respecting Bengali is complete without his
Jhola. It is a shapeless cloth bag where he keeps all his belongings
and he fits an amazing number of things in. Even as you read this
there are 2 million jholas bobbing around Kolkata- and they all look
exactly the same! Note that Jhol as in Maachher Jhol is a close
second.
K is for Kee Kaando. It used to be the favourite Bengali exclamation
till eeesh took over because of Aishwarya Rai (now Kee Kando's agent
is trying to hire Bipasha Basu).
L is for Lungi---the dress for all occasions. People in Kolkata manage
to play football and cricket wearing it not to mention the daily trip
in the morning to the local bajaar. Now there is talk of a lungi
expedition to Mt. Everest.
M is for Minibaas. These are dangerous half buses whose antics would
effortlessly frighten the living daylights out of all James Bond
stuntmen as well as Formula 1 race car drivers.
N is for Nangto. This is the Bengali word for Naked. It is the most
interesting naked word in any language!
O is for Oil.Bengalis believe that a touch of mustard oil will cure
anything from cold (oil in the nose), to earache (oil in the ear), to
cough (oil on the throat) to piles (oil you know where!)
P is for Phootball. This is always a phavourite phassion of the
Kolkattan. Every Bengali is born an expert in this game. The two
biggest clubs there are Mohunbagan and East Bengal and when they play,
the city comes to a stop.
Q is for Queen. This really has nothing to do with the Bengalis or
Kolkata, but it's the only Q word I could think of at this moment.
There's also Quilt but they never use them in Kolkata.
R is for Robi Thakur. Many many years ago, Rabindranath got the Nobel
Prize. This has given the right to all Bengalis no matter where they
are to frame their acceptance speeches as if they were directly
related to the great poet and walk with their head held high. This
also gives Bengalis the birthright to look down at Delhi and Mumbai
and of course 'all non- Bengawlees'! Note that 'Rawshogolla' comes a
close second !
S is for Shourav. Now that they finally produced a genuine cricketer
and a captain, Bengalis think that he should be allowed to play until
he is 70 years old. Of course they will see to it that he stays in
good form by doing a little bit of joggo and æmaanot.
T is for Terams. Hundred years later there are still trams in Kolkata.
Of course if you are in a hurry it's faster to walk.
U is for Aambrela. When a Bengali baby is born they are handed one.
V is for Bhaayolence. Bengalis are the most non-violent violent people
around. When an accident happens they will fold up their sleeves,
shout and scream and curse and abuse, ôChherey De Bolchhiö but the
last time someone actually hit someone was in 1979.
W is for Water. For three months of the year, Kolkata is under water,
and every year for the last 200 years the authorities are taken by
surprise by this!
X is for XÆmas. It's very big in Kolkata, with Park Street fully lit
up and all Bengalis agreeing that they must eat cake that day.
Y is for Yesshtaarday. Which is always better than today for a Bengali
(see R for Robi Thakur).
Z is for Jebra, Joo, Jipper and Jylophone.
? all good things must come to an end!
A is for Awpheesh (as in Office). This is where the average Kolkattan
goes and spends a day hard(ly) at work. And if he works for the Waste
Bengal Gawrment, he will arrive at 10, wipe his forehead till 11, have
a tea break at 12, throw around a few files at 12.30, break for lunch
at 1, smoke an unfiltered cigarette at 2, break for tea at 3, sleep
sitting down at 4 and go home at 4:30. It's a hard life!
B is for Bhision. For some reason many Bengalis don't have good
bhision. In fact in Kolkata most people are wearing spectacles all the
time.
C is for Chappell. Currently, this is the Bengali word for the Devil,
for the worst form of evil. In the night mothers put their kids to
sleep saying, Na ghumaley Chappell eshey dhorey niye jabe.
D is for Debashish or any other name starting with Deb. By an ancient
law every fourth Bengali Child has to be named Debashish. So you have
a Debashish everywhere and trying to get creative they are also called
Deb, Debu, Deba with variations like Debanik, Deboprotim, Debojyoti,
etc. thrown in at times.
E is for Eeesh. This is a very common Bengali exclamation made famous
by Aishwarya Rai in Devdas. It is estimated that on an average a
Bengali, especially Bengali women, use eeesh 10,089 times every year.
Ei Morechhey is a close second to Eeesh.
F is for Feeesh. These are creatures that swim in rivers and seas and
are a favourite food of the Bengalis. Despite the fact that a fish
market has such strong smells, with one sniff a Bengali knows if a
fish is all right. If not, he will say 'eeesh, what feeesh is theesh!'
G is for Good name. Every Bengali boy will have a good name like
Debashish or Deboprotim and a pet name like Motka, Bhombol, Thobla
Laltu, Paltu, etc. While every Bengali girl will have pet names like
Tia, Tuktuki, Mishti, Khuku , etc.
H is for Harmonium. This the Bengali equivalent of a rock guitar. Take
four Bengalis and a Harmonium and you have the successors to The
Bheatles!
I is for lleesh. This is a feeesh with 10,000 bones which would kill
any ordinary person, but which the Bengalis eat with releeesh!
J is for Jhola. No self respecting Bengali is complete without his
Jhola. It is a shapeless cloth bag where he keeps all his belongings
and he fits an amazing number of things in. Even as you read this
there are 2 million jholas bobbing around Kolkata- and they all look
exactly the same! Note that Jhol as in Maachher Jhol is a close
second.
K is for Kee Kaando. It used to be the favourite Bengali exclamation
till eeesh took over because of Aishwarya Rai (now Kee Kando's agent
is trying to hire Bipasha Basu).
L is for Lungi---the dress for all occasions. People in Kolkata manage
to play football and cricket wearing it not to mention the daily trip
in the morning to the local bajaar. Now there is talk of a lungi
expedition to Mt. Everest.
M is for Minibaas. These are dangerous half buses whose antics would
effortlessly frighten the living daylights out of all James Bond
stuntmen as well as Formula 1 race car drivers.
N is for Nangto. This is the Bengali word for Naked. It is the most
interesting naked word in any language!
O is for Oil.Bengalis believe that a touch of mustard oil will cure
anything from cold (oil in the nose), to earache (oil in the ear), to
cough (oil on the throat) to piles (oil you know where!)
P is for Phootball. This is always a phavourite phassion of the
Kolkattan. Every Bengali is born an expert in this game. The two
biggest clubs there are Mohunbagan and East Bengal and when they play,
the city comes to a stop.
Q is for Queen. This really has nothing to do with the Bengalis or
Kolkata, but it's the only Q word I could think of at this moment.
There's also Quilt but they never use them in Kolkata.
R is for Robi Thakur. Many many years ago, Rabindranath got the Nobel
Prize. This has given the right to all Bengalis no matter where they
are to frame their acceptance speeches as if they were directly
related to the great poet and walk with their head held high. This
also gives Bengalis the birthright to look down at Delhi and Mumbai
and of course 'all non- Bengawlees'! Note that 'Rawshogolla' comes a
close second !
S is for Shourav. Now that they finally produced a genuine cricketer
and a captain, Bengalis think that he should be allowed to play until
he is 70 years old. Of course they will see to it that he stays in
good form by doing a little bit of joggo and æmaanot.
T is for Terams. Hundred years later there are still trams in Kolkata.
Of course if you are in a hurry it's faster to walk.
U is for Aambrela. When a Bengali baby is born they are handed one.
V is for Bhaayolence. Bengalis are the most non-violent violent people
around. When an accident happens they will fold up their sleeves,
shout and scream and curse and abuse, ôChherey De Bolchhiö but the
last time someone actually hit someone was in 1979.
W is for Water. For three months of the year, Kolkata is under water,
and every year for the last 200 years the authorities are taken by
surprise by this!
X is for XÆmas. It's very big in Kolkata, with Park Street fully lit
up and all Bengalis agreeing that they must eat cake that day.
Y is for Yesshtaarday. Which is always better than today for a Bengali
(see R for Robi Thakur).
Z is for Jebra, Joo, Jipper and Jylophone.
? all good things must come to an end!
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